back in a world of peace, quiet, still and calm. of late afternoon yoga sessions on my hardwood floor. of sunset visits to water the gardens and to snip flowers and herbs, reveling in how quickly my tiny plants have grown and adapted to their surroundings; today yielded this season's first crookneck squash and my basil got big enough in the greenhouse to be transplanted outside (i am envisioning it now, outside and exposed to the elements for the first time ever, snuggled beneath the mulch to keep warm...i am hoping some vicious slug or curious bird doesn't harm it!). back in the world of neighbors chatting in the hallway, of muffled sounds from the city streaming in through my window. of dim but cozy lighting, flickering candles and a squeaky bed.

it's somewhat daunting to think that in less than two weeks, i won't have this home base; this apartment has been so wonderful for me for over eight years. i am going to miss it terribly, and am curious to see how my life subtly shifts without the association to this place, as i've only ever lived here while in oakland.

when i moved here in 2003, i was working full time at a biotech company in palo alto, and i was dating aaron, who lived a couple blocks away at 29th and harrison. i was a very different person back then, comfortably wrapped up in the security of a good paying job, but yearning deeply to get closer to my true self. i didn't feel that i fit into my own skin all that well at that time; i was doing a lot of squirming. this little place saw me through the crazy months when i was working full time and going to baking and pastry school; it saw me through two very painful heartbreaks and even more disappointments, but it also saw me through the healing from those. it waited vacantly while i took my first dabbling steps into farming and was my sanctuary when i switched professional gears and started spending my days teaching elementary school gardening and nutrition. it was my only stability at many times; the only thing that remained constant. the meals and baked goods created here in this tiny kitchen were incredible; i ran a business out of my oven and hosted dinner parties with hardwood-floor seating and mason jar wine glasses.

i never completed this entry...

while practicing yoga today, i discovered a place...inside...that i want to remember exists. to get there, my weighty bubble of consciousness traveled slowly from my lower back up my spine and towards my shoulders where it then entered a maze of chaotic freeways whose roads twisted and turned; energies merged and sped up and came to screeching halts...then the bubble took a quick exit onto my back right shoulder and traveled down my arm to my fingers, where each fingertip pressed into the earth with intention; five light connections and a grounding at my palm...i breathed in and in and in, futher than i'd ever breathed in, and held it...then i slowly let out that breath and also let out some expiring mindsets and empty hopes and some stubborn knots of negativity...

i want to write this out. somehow express the tumult within. if i can get it out, get it down, i can make some sense of this. see the purpose. sort through it. but until i do that, i am floating. directionless in this sea of energy. thrown down and turned under by waves that looked so docile in the distance, but which had that eerie calm as they approached, portending the unseen power they carried below their crests. power to upend and twist around. power to turn light into dark. and to bring deep, hidden things to the surface…

i have been struggling a great amount lately; struggling like the little kitten i was just caring for - frustrated but insatiable. this discomfort underlies conscious wanting; this discomfort stems from true need. but for what?

to what end need i go to investigate the power i have over my own destiny? i live alone and have done so for eight years now. i eat most of my meals alone; i sleep alone; i drink wine alone; i laugh alone. i have no problem entertaining myself nor motivating myself to engage in creative projects. i am quite self sufficient and pride myself in the space and freedom that i can give to other people, if only they'll offer the same in return. i carefully choose where to devote my energy and avoid (or wrestle myself out of, if necessary) situations and people which drain my reserves. on one hand, i feel a great pride in my stubbornness and devotion to a path whose end is merely an ever-metamorphosing intuition. on the other hand, i feel a deep regret at having been so in control and having chosen to populate my life mostly with energies that feed me. i've paid homage to misery by living without intimacy for long periods of time. but i feel melancholic that i haven't shared more intimacies and all the good and bad experiences that go along with them, for i feel i have such a great deal to learn about the human spirit...that is, the human spirit that is not my own. i know a great deal about the individual as she relates to the world. but i know little about collective efforts and shared burdens and even simple shared joys. is it too late for me to jump in? and am i willing to let go on the reigns a bit and just be a part of the beautifully messy scene of life without worrying about the agenda in my back pocket? or can i figure out a way to do both? that's what i'd like best. i'd like to jump in, open up, enter the flow...increase my resilience by saying yes, yes, yes and facing the road blocks and speed bumps i most certainly will face...but, and this is crucial and only now am i just realizing it, i will be entering with my own voice. that's it! what i feared for so long in entering this flow...is that i hadn't yet developed my voice. being the textbook youngest child and aquarian that i am, i was loathe to 'yessir' someone else's ideas and i preferred to explore my own questions and perform my own experiments and come to my own conclusions. but now, after all this solitary play, i've developed my own ideas, my own identity...i know how to enforce my boundaries, i have needs and know how to ask to have them met...i am not afraid to lead or to be spontaneous...i have something to say...i have something to say! 

that frustrated need i have been feeling then, is, perhaps, the need to put my arms fully into the new coat of power that i've been growing into for so long...it's irritating having it shawl over my shoulders when i am ready to fully inhabit it...i am ready. i am ready to inhabit myself more fully and to venture into the flow without fear of losing that self...here.i.am.

some small things that have touched my heart in the past few days/weeks:

-yesterday i saw my friends ember and john in the vitamin aisle at whole foods. she was perusing the Vitamin D supplements and he was busying himself by her side, clearly not searching for anything, just being there with her as she looked. i thought to myself how wonderful and special it was that they could do such mundane things together and in such comfort with each other...it seemed that in that moment,  he was simply supporting her as she catered to her own well being...quite special and perhaps easily overlooked, but i feel frequent pangs of being without that, and it hit me right in the old heart. 

-i cracked a walnut open the other day with my rolling pin and the two halves each revealed the inner walnut as a heart. i gave thanks at that moment for life, beauty.

-this morning i made a cookie dough i've never made before: a quinoa/wheat dough with mandarin zest and chocolate flecks. as i folded in the chocolate, i breathed in the rich, nutty aroma of the dough and a deep feeling of groundedness and place rushed through my veins.

-this week, our best gardener at the community gardens decided to give up his plots. i met him for a hand-over and the detail and care with which he described his plants and what they liked and what they needed touched me deeply. at the end of our conversation, he went over to a little crumpled bag by the hose and pulled out folded packets of seeds, a gardening book, an old trowel, a water key and twist ties which he'd religiously used in his days as a gardener there and handed them all over to me...i felt as though i had been given his first born...a mixture of melancholy and deep gratitude...

-last weekend i held a tiny baby rabbit for half an hour as we trudged through the forest. he and his brothers and sisters had been left alone for the weekend and we were taking them to the farm house to be watched over. he nestled his tiny little black head onto my bosom and reached his little paw towards my shoulder...i held him close and could feel his little heart beating.

-last week my dear friend mike sent me a curious package and contained within was some music, four Zots candies and a slingshot. i nearly cried.

-this past week, sorrel and i attended a seed saving class in richmond with rebecca. this woman, who is our mentor and hero, is now a friend...she asked us to pipe up and help instruct the class, and after the class, she shared with us a funny video that her mother had sent her that captured some carrots that she had grown out from rebecca's seed. there we were, three women, bonding over seeds and community. as we left, sorrel rifled through the trash can and pulled out some cardboard that one of the other students had thrown away, letting nothing go to waste. i can still summon the feeling of belonging from that night...

loquat. nasturtium. wild onion. calendula. rosemary. lemon verbena tisane.
lindsey. los angeles. 90036.
plant lettuce.

and so read the notes scribbled on the various papers on my desk right now.
on my calendar:

gilles. thea: seeds and lemons.
10am haircut.
class 630 - 10.
nikbot.
earth church meetings and dance.
11am karma. sustainability center meetups.
liz walk.
sorrel 6:30.
sub @ lotus bloom.
todd 7 pm.
mike's birthday #32!
class 630 - 10.
thea's birthday extravaganza.
2 pm food pot meeting. kraut and soup at the open hearth cafe.
gilles.
nikbot.
lenscrafters 10am. marisa swap at 11. norman sprouts swap at 6. baruch soup at 6:15. todd 7 pm.
NEVADA CITAY!!!
stoop beer.
food swap 2-4. 
nikbot and sorrel for seeds.
french dinner at lucas' 630.
gia 1130. sorrel 430. jess 730.
OFPC class 5-7.
class 630 - 10.
earth day at garden 9-12.
gilles.
mike visits!
class/kevin and jane visit/john's wedding party/lotus bloom dinner number two....

lasso. reign it in. focus. pare down. defy the paradox of choice.decide.

those words run through my head a lot lately. i've never felt more active with ideas and schemes that i've dreamed up up or helped to dream up. in my past, i've crafted the dreams, then let them sit gathering dust on a shelf, fearful of really using them lest i break or damage them. how easy it was, i now think, to excuse myself by saying that i didn't have the time to turn those dreams into a reality.

clarity is coming again. it seems to follow suit: frustration, confusion, restlessness, an impulsive leap and loud splash, silent sinking, then awakening, paddling slowly though the waters, riding the waves and relaxing as my body tumbles across rocks...then this, a sandy patch to pull off in, dry off a bit...and breathe. i look back at the waters i had been navigating, grateful for the faithful movements i made from where i was, and then look ahead at the uncertain twists and turns that i must face. i know now that it's best to lasso one of the distant stars that starts twinkling as light fades on my sandy resting spot. i'll hitch myself to it for direction, but leave enough slack in the rope to allow for great movements off the path that leads there. breathing in. and out. remembering not to judge the lack of certainty but to celebrate the power of faith. continuing the surrender. keeping alive the faith.

edging up against fears and wanting to face them, rid myself of them. or simply accept that i have them. and then seek out that which can ease them or comfort me in the face of them. no denial. acceptance. but moving through and beyond. no longer hesitating as a lifestyle.

what i seek deeply is support. witnesses. deep knowing. and i've always thought that would come in the form of one person. but after 32 years and numerous attempts at trying to get circumstances to fit that mold, i see the need to reassess. perhaps i need to learn to acknowledge the multiplicity of people and things that offer to meet those needs and accept those offers. fear keeps me from saying yes. as does stubbornness. but fear and inflexibility have no place in the life of a flowing spirit...

i wish to let go, breathe in and ride...filling up with the love that is being offered and exhaling out disappointments over unmet expectations...clearing room for new, positive vibrations...

grateful for a birthday full of friends, fun, laughter, dancing, music, homemade dinners and cakes and pies, costumes, feathers, meditations and trust games, rose gardens, rain, lake views, fermented foods and connections growing stronger. i am blessed. such love...i can hope only to be a conductive receptor of such gifts...