while practicing yoga today, i discovered a place...inside...that i want to remember exists. to get there, my weighty bubble of consciousness traveled slowly from my lower back up my spine and towards my shoulders where it then entered a maze of chaotic freeways whose roads twisted and turned; energies merged and sped up and came to screeching halts...then the bubble took a quick exit onto my back right shoulder and traveled down my arm to my fingers, where each fingertip pressed into the earth with intention; five light connections and a grounding at my palm...i breathed in and in and in, futher than i'd ever breathed in, and held it...then i slowly let out that breath and also let out some expiring mindsets and empty hopes and some stubborn knots of negativity...

i want to write this out. somehow express the tumult within. if i can get it out, get it down, i can make some sense of this. see the purpose. sort through it. but until i do that, i am floating. directionless in this sea of energy. thrown down and turned under by waves that looked so docile in the distance, but which had that eerie calm as they approached, portending the unseen power they carried below their crests. power to upend and twist around. power to turn light into dark. and to bring deep, hidden things to the surface…

i have been struggling a great amount lately; struggling like the little kitten i was just caring for - frustrated but insatiable. this discomfort underlies conscious wanting; this discomfort stems from true need. but for what?

to what end need i go to investigate the power i have over my own destiny? i live alone and have done so for eight years now. i eat most of my meals alone; i sleep alone; i drink wine alone; i laugh alone. i have no problem entertaining myself nor motivating myself to engage in creative projects. i am quite self sufficient and pride myself in the space and freedom that i can give to other people, if only they'll offer the same in return. i carefully choose where to devote my energy and avoid (or wrestle myself out of, if necessary) situations and people which drain my reserves. on one hand, i feel a great pride in my stubbornness and devotion to a path whose end is merely an ever-metamorphosing intuition. on the other hand, i feel a deep regret at having been so in control and having chosen to populate my life mostly with energies that feed me. i've paid homage to misery by living without intimacy for long periods of time. but i feel melancholic that i haven't shared more intimacies and all the good and bad experiences that go along with them, for i feel i have such a great deal to learn about the human spirit...that is, the human spirit that is not my own. i know a great deal about the individual as she relates to the world. but i know little about collective efforts and shared burdens and even simple shared joys. is it too late for me to jump in? and am i willing to let go on the reigns a bit and just be a part of the beautifully messy scene of life without worrying about the agenda in my back pocket? or can i figure out a way to do both? that's what i'd like best. i'd like to jump in, open up, enter the flow...increase my resilience by saying yes, yes, yes and facing the road blocks and speed bumps i most certainly will face...but, and this is crucial and only now am i just realizing it, i will be entering with my own voice. that's it! what i feared for so long in entering this flow...is that i hadn't yet developed my voice. being the textbook youngest child and aquarian that i am, i was loathe to 'yessir' someone else's ideas and i preferred to explore my own questions and perform my own experiments and come to my own conclusions. but now, after all this solitary play, i've developed my own ideas, my own identity...i know how to enforce my boundaries, i have needs and know how to ask to have them met...i am not afraid to lead or to be spontaneous...i have something to say...i have something to say! 

that frustrated need i have been feeling then, is, perhaps, the need to put my arms fully into the new coat of power that i've been growing into for so long...it's irritating having it shawl over my shoulders when i am ready to fully inhabit it...i am ready. i am ready to inhabit myself more fully and to venture into the flow without fear of losing that self...here.i.am.