if ever there was a trough that i ambled into in my life, unprompted by anything, directly, i am in it now. in the past, i've certainly wallowed in troughs, but i've been able to blame external stimuli: a bad job situation, a failed relationship, poor health. but now, i can blame none of these things. i've been unemployed, technically, for the last 17 months. i haven't been in a serious relationship in over two years. and i feel pretty good, physically.

nonetheless, i feel a great sense of emptiness and stuck-ness.

but i have a hopeful feeling that this opportunity i've had to experience excessive non-interaction and lack of collaboration (time spent living in clear opposition to my ideal) has actually been of insurmountable importance in helping me to move closer to the kind of existence that i  want and need and has increased my capacity to offer myself to others.

the past six months have felt vaguely like a swim through an olympic-sized pool of molasses: i efforted to and succeeded in co-birthing one of my creative babies, and once it was alive and kicking, i lost the motivation to ensure its survival; i worked up the courage to start telling men exactly what i thought in a loving way and promptly learned that no matter what the intention, bluntness is one of the best romance killers ever; after eight years of being settled, i finally moved out of my apartment, expecting to liberate myself but i ended up creating only more frustrations and constrictions. my efforts felt protracted and exhausting and the results were disappointing.

for someone who never takes advice for granted, who always needs to prove it for herself; for someone who has always found a way to skirt the rules, these past few months have been humbling, to say the least. and it's not as though i have not been humbled before; my adult life has been generously peppered with humbling experiences. but these most recent experiences are different. i'm reaching a point where my efforts to avoid and effect are becoming far too taxing, and i'm starting to wonder what would happen if i just let things happen. if i just took opportunities instead of feeling that i had to create them first in order for them to be worthwhile. what if i'm seriously impeding the flow of my life by keeping myself wedged between two rocks, waiting for the ideal time to start paddling upstream again? i certainly would travel to more places, faster and with more thrills if i just unwedged myself, threw my oars into the water and went with the current. sure, i might crash, and i might have to spend some time in passive waters that would galvanize my impatience, but couldn't i just, then, reach out my hands and paddle forward? couldn't i find something, at that stage, to help move me along, like a big stick or some willow branches braided together? and if i couldn't, would it not be a time when i most likely needed to remember how to just...sit and be?

more tomorrow.

let us see the truth of every moment, and let us see it without contention.

seeing transience in terms of contingency and interconnections...things happen, and as a result, other things happen...suffering being the tension in the mind when it is unable to accommodate the truth of our experiences of impermanence and contingency.

-thoughts drawn from an article by Sylvia Boorstein on OdeWire

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the message coming through so clearly to me lately is this: decide what is wanted, and then have faith enough to let go and allow for manifestation. 

my yoga teacher has been saying it (find the balance between ease and effort), my colleague has been saying it (the hardest thing for people like us is learning how to sit back, relax and receive), an old love interest said it (you've got decide what you want, keri), an even older love interest did, too (you've got to be confident, keri, you're a powerful woman...maybe you just need to stop trying so hard), a random woman in the store said it (you just have to have the confidence that you deserve what you want and then it will come)...

a much harder lesson to internalize than i've ever imagined. finding that balance between effort and ease; taking the ten minutes for Savasana at the end of my yoga practice, body and mind in receptive silence and stillness;  accepting gifts or compliments without an easy and instantaneous, obsequious reaction; remembering that even at moments where movement seems delayed or even stopped, micro-adjustments and shifts are still occurring with great vitality. 

every so often, its necessary for a turtle to outstretch its neck to an uncomfortable and unprotected length; but then it pulls back, closer unto itself and continues its small and slow movements. my neck has been long outstretched; i've seen so many of the possibilities and i realize how many directions there are to go, but the malaise of having my brain stretched so distantly from my heart is making movement difficult. i want to relax my neck, tuck my chin a bit, cross my hands around my hips, and take root in the ground. integrate. 

my intentions flow through me, into the ground, out into the sky...now, slow and still. peaceful receptiveness. faith. it will come...