the windchimes clink against the window as wind rushes into my apartment, billowing the curtains out, and then in. *clink. chime. jingle. whoosh.* rain pouring outside. car horns blowing on the street below. gutters overflowing onto the cement...

inside my little box, warm candles glow. the scent of freshly baked molasses spice cookies hangs in the air. the eucalyptus bath bubbles that were overflowing the tub an hour ago have left a lingering calm. the necklace of white christmas lights hangs over my windows, reassuring, inspiring, reminding.

a wonderful day today. after three weeks of being sick, i finally called in sick. and i really did rest. baked some cookies, made some gifts, looked up graduate programs, did some yoga, took a bath, ate ice cream.  a mini retreat. here in oakland.

 

i also talked with my dear friend; a friend who i chanced to meet years ago...a friend whom i 'd like to think i have a bright future of fun adventures ahead with. she shares my birthday and thus my aquarian impossibility, and i always so enjoy talking with her. feeling her fire and sensing her defiant striving for truth and goodness and creativity inspires me to keep the same in me alive. needless to say, someday i sure do hope to be working in a kitchen with her in a small mountain town that supports real food...and that has a few eligible scruffy bachelors with kind hearts.

tonight i feel better. i feel hope flickering more strongly than it has been...eager to grow into a strong and warm fire. i just need to keep feeding it affirming whispers, passages from rumi poems, genuine laughter of true friends, visions borne from great attentiveness...and time. it will grow...

this friday night, i am so utterly satisfied to be sitting alone in my apartment. tonight, i need to be alone. to quote nomi: 'there's an office in my head with a million open filing cabinets; papers are flying around and around and i don't know my habits...' and...i just...need to file some things away, pull some things out...reconsider what i want on the desk in front of me right now; what i need to pay the most attention.

i'm determined more now than ever before to resist the urge to make sense of things that will never make sense...and to instead use my frustrated energy to manifest something true and real...

i am closing my eyes, battening down the hatches, drawing in. i thought that giving out more love, more energy would be the answer. but i'm not enlightened enough yet to not expect returns on that giving. and those returns haven't been coming in, leaving me more disappointed than before i started the whole process of trying to make well enough...better.

i guess sometimes you just have to take a hit and admit that you've fallen down and are having a hard time getting up. i'm there. and i've always had such a strong hope in times like this, and i still do...but as i get older, that optimism is waning ever so slightly in strength.

i've been knowing for some time that i had patterns to break. and i thought i was breaking them. but it turns out, they're still faintly visible in the fabric of my life that i'm currently weaving: working at a place where i see no room for growth, letting emotions overwhelm me, falling in love with people who are incapable of loving me back in the way that i need...i want nothing more than to stop these patterns. but the wanting is not enough, i know that i have to do it. and i've been trying so hard. but maybe it's not the strength of my effort but the the direction of it. i wish i remembered enough physics to draw an analogy there.

breathe in. breathe out.

i am so fortunate. have so many wonderful people in my life. am a healthy person with opportunities to go in just about whichever direction i please. i have to keep that in the forefront. gratitude. and right behind that, i'm keeping my intentions...to heal my heart by bringing more stable and loving people into my life, to challenge myself professionally by really pushing forward and out of poorly-managed, mid-level positions that don't capitalize on my strengths....and more. for now, those are paramount. 

love, health, creative growth, confident strength, engagement, opennness, movement. 

my seven-fold mantra..

i'm doing 'the artists way' process, albeit slowly. trying to release whatever constraints are on the creative beast that's pumping within me. in chapter two, it mentions how pain focuses us. brings our attention to the now. and how paying attention...is the key to healing. 

i am finding that so true these days. the past is too painful and bittersweet to remember right now, and the rug has been pulled out from many of the dreams i'd delicately placed for the future...so, all i have is what's right here before me. i'm standing calm amidst the aftermath of a storm. looking around at what pieces i even want to pick up and put back into place. some things...some things i just want to sweep away and never see again...