autumn has arrived.

this year, it came without the precursive struggle of an extended indian summer. rather, on its first day, the rains came, and for a few nights thereafter the winds picked up. gusting strongly through the trees on the street and percussing together the wooden shades drawn over the just open window in my room and rustling the tiny metal chimes in the garden, the winds acted the part of a boisterous and overly punctual ringmaster welcoming in the next performance with hyperbolic promises as summer was still ushering its serene act offstage.

still, after these lofty promotions, autumn emerged from the wings without urgency and with a quiet dignity, with not a hint of the hype that the ringmaster winds had blazoned. as it grounded itself in the spotlight, the hue deepened from warm and golden to marigold and sienna. my pupils widened in the darkening tone and an awakening began to stir within me; as my eyes began grasping for light, my sprit began foraging for revision. i lifted my gaze to find myself at a distinctive beanstalk of a post in the rusted wire and wood fence that had long been visible only at a great distance across rolling hills and tall field grasses. i laid my hand on the wood, worn and carved so differently than i'd imagined it would be, and i spoke quietly to it. i told it how, for a long time, i'd imagined arriving at the reach that it marked, a distance i thought i could travel in dreams. i admired its stature and all that had gone into making it stand so tall, a beacon across the landscape: its extensive support system, its physical resilience....

on a retreat to the sierra foothills, to a place that is slowly becoming a home of sorts...a home where the heart is. each time i visit this place, my soul resonates with the vibration that is uniquely orchestrated by the instruments of this land...

tall trees of pine and redwood and oak and maple, shrubby manzanitas or madrones, i am never quite sure...cold and clear waters tumbling over the rocks of deer creek...dappled sunlight shining through decomposing leaves that have fallen into expertly-crafted spider webs...wise and knowing breezes blowing through the tree branches at night under skies sprinkled with the glitter of distant stars...

i come here alone, but i come here for conversation...guiding words and illuminating visions that are whispered and revealed by the earth under my bare feet and by the invigorating winds that dance through my hair and across my cheeks...

today i heard, saw, felt....

• looking through the tiny river rocks for one that was shaped like a heart, i found one that, instead, held a heart inside its form, visible only if viewed from the right angle. i was reminded of the time i hiked for four hours in yosemite looking, again, for a rock shaped like a heart. i ended up getting lost, having spent so much time looking at the ground for a small signal, missing the large ones that were guiding me. when i finally found my way back to the trail, at the very end of the hike and where i had started, i came across a heart sculpted out of rocks. what i hear, see, feel from those experiences is an assurance that i will find what i am seeking, but that it likely will appear in an unexpected form. my task, then, is to continue the search and the seeking, but to not be so focused on an imagined treasure that i end up missing the richness that lies right before me.
• i'd carried the key to the house with me down to the river out of habit. i hadn't even locked the house because i trust that in these hills, my sanctity will be honored. still, i took the key with me in my back pocket just in case something happened...and as i started to explore the riverbed, that key started to gouge into my leg. i stopped and reflected. a strapping of supposed safety and comfort was causing great discomfort. how do i, i thought, cause myself discomfort in my life by hanging onto supposed forms of security when letting them go would free me up to more fully embrace and enjoy the exploration?
• this one just came as words...words descending upon me, osmosing into me...'there are no universal truths'...which i felt to mean...my heart is a trustworthy, if unconventional, guide that i can trust to lead me on journeys that others may urge against taking.; although my heart guides me through rough and challenging terrain at times, the vistas i reach from these struggles offer me perspectives that broaden my vision.
• i felt, as i often do, the sense of a lover with me as i sat and watched the water tumble over the rocks...the lover wasn't distracting me or asking anything of me, he was simply holding me; together in our separateness...i felt a deep understanding that i can't quite put to words yet, but it was an understanding of the winds that will dance between us, of the space that we will share but still be alone in...an understanding that we will not envelop each other, as i'd once imagined we would...an understanding that he will be hand to hold, a warm body to hug, eyes to gaze into, a mirror to reflect, and in him i will see pieces of me because at the deepest level we do hold pieces of each other, all of us...but we will, for each other, support ur independent conductivity....i will not grasp, i will hold on gently, but with a great reverence...
• as it always does here in this place, i felt a deep satisfaction in returning to a place, a place that has a strong earth and land-associated identity. and i was able to understand and feel the threats to and tragedies experienced by our natural world. i felt that i'd stepped back into a role that feels familiar despite never having fully taken it on...that of being a liaison between the earth and the development/society/people around me...i got the feeling of having waited far too long to visit an ailing grandmother at a nursing home...the feeling of being present in a space where i know there is so much for me to hear, for me to learn so that i can know and so that i can carry on the message...