i sit here covered in paint, restless because my interminable creative endeavor - of repainting my bathroom from a rainbow-paletted water and fire paradise to an earth-toned canvas accented by birds taking flight - has stolen yet another evening from me. it's 11:30 pm. there are globs of aqua paint stuck in my hair. my bathroom a terrible mess and sploches of kona brown and pure white are flung onto every surface imaginable including all my bath towels and now my shower curtain, too. i've never been one for curbing impulsivity, and it looks like things aren't going to change anytime soon...sigh!

i think it's a good thing for me to be back at work. my mind knows no limits when it comes to analyzing situations, and being on vacation for three weeks when my life feels to be in such a period of upheaval was a bit overwhelming. but i'm back in school, and remembering the reason i left my high-paying biotech career to earn 30% less doing at least 50% more work. i got hugs, smiles and requests for pomegranates today from the kids and i felt my heart warm up to fuschia from a period of violet-blue chilliness :)

i've spent a good part of this last week in my apartment. pulling things off the walls. painting over my bathroom mural with two fresh coats of white paint, musing about what i'll put on my new blank canvas. rummaging through drawers and the recesses of my closet and getting rid of things i've held onto for too long: articles i meant to read but never will, folded-up and well-worn photographs of old loves, dried flowers that were turning to dust...all the while, the air heavied with melancholy and raindrops streaming down the windows. inside my heart, a sadness, a loneliness, a little fear...mixed with anticipation and incurable hope. another cycle of change and upheaval has hit. these storms gust in so quickly, and they rearrange so forcefully. within these four walls, i've been letting go of the old to make room for the new while outside, the old and familiar have been fading, too.

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in turn with these feelings, my oldest friend in california is moving to italy in five days. although we've drifted apart in the past couple years, the memories of side-splitting laughter sessions, easter egg dying parties, spaghetti dinners at emmy's shack, punk rock sushi on rainy san francisco nights, and cat-sitting in the richmond hills are all washing over me. every now and again, we make friends who deeply impact our souls...friends who, even when they're gone, are woven into the fabric of our being...and in that fabric, betsy will forever be a strand of pink, sparkly yarn...colorful and unexpected.

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but the ebb and flow, and these departures make us each more open to new arrivals...

eeeny-weeny-banana-nut-muffins

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easily either vegan or dairy-licious, these tinies were a hit at brunch yesterday. since i just got back from a couple weeks in chicago, my refrigerator is bare and my fruit and veggie hanging basket has only a few cloves of garlic in it...so making muffins outta fresh produce was out of the question. luckily, i hid some browning bananas in the freezer (just threw em in! didn't peel em, but you can) a few weeks ago, so i thawed them out and rustled up the other easy ingredients from my cabinets and spice rack. mmm!

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1/2 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup white sugar

1/2 cup margarine or butter, at room temperature

3 very ripe bananas, mashed well

2 cups whole wheat pastry flour*

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/3 cup vanilla soy milk, mixed with 1 teaspoon lemon juice (to curdle)**

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon allspice

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup walnuts, coarsely chopped

*you can also use all-purpose unbleached flour, but decrease the soy milk or buttermilk from 1/3 cup to 1/4 cup

**you can substitute buttermilk here for the soy milk and lemon juice

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Preheat the oven to 350 F. Grease two mini-muffin tins with margarine or butter. Sift together the flour, baking soda, salt and spices. Cream together the margarine or butter and the sugars. Add the bananas, soy milk and vanilla. Add the wet ingredients to the dry. Mix well. Pour batter into mini tins. Bake until muffins are slightly golden on top, about fifteen minutes. Your house or apartment should smell delicious now...so go ahead and try a muffin! Mmm! :)