i am closing my eyes, battening down the hatches, drawing in. i thought that giving out more love, more energy would be the answer. but i'm not enlightened enough yet to not expect returns on that giving. and those returns haven't been coming in, leaving me more disappointed than before i started the whole process of trying to make well enough...better.

i guess sometimes you just have to take a hit and admit that you've fallen down and are having a hard time getting up. i'm there. and i've always had such a strong hope in times like this, and i still do...but as i get older, that optimism is waning ever so slightly in strength.

i've been knowing for some time that i had patterns to break. and i thought i was breaking them. but it turns out, they're still faintly visible in the fabric of my life that i'm currently weaving: working at a place where i see no room for growth, letting emotions overwhelm me, falling in love with people who are incapable of loving me back in the way that i need...i want nothing more than to stop these patterns. but the wanting is not enough, i know that i have to do it. and i've been trying so hard. but maybe it's not the strength of my effort but the the direction of it. i wish i remembered enough physics to draw an analogy there.

breathe in. breathe out.

i am so fortunate. have so many wonderful people in my life. am a healthy person with opportunities to go in just about whichever direction i please. i have to keep that in the forefront. gratitude. and right behind that, i'm keeping my intentions...to heal my heart by bringing more stable and loving people into my life, to challenge myself professionally by really pushing forward and out of poorly-managed, mid-level positions that don't capitalize on my strengths....and more. for now, those are paramount.