if ever there was a trough that i ambled into in my life, unprompted by anything, directly, i am in it now. in the past, i've certainly wallowed in troughs, but i've been able to blame external stimuli: a bad job situation, a failed relationship, poor health. but now, i can blame none of these things. i've been unemployed, technically, for the last 17 months. i haven't been in a serious relationship in over two years. and i feel pretty good, physically.

nonetheless, i feel a great sense of emptiness and stuck-ness.

but i have a hopeful feeling that this opportunity i've had to experience excessive non-interaction and lack of collaboration (time spent living in clear opposition to my ideal) has actually been of insurmountable importance in helping me to move closer to the kind of existence that i  want and need and has increased my capacity to offer myself to others.

the past six months have felt vaguely like a swim through an olympic-sized pool of molasses: i efforted to and succeeded in co-birthing one of my creative babies, and once it was alive and kicking, i lost the motivation to ensure its survival; i worked up the courage to start telling men exactly what i thought in a loving way and promptly learned that no matter what the intention, bluntness is one of the best romance killers ever; after eight years of being settled, i finally moved out of my apartment, expecting to liberate myself but i ended up creating only more frustrations and constrictions. my efforts felt protracted and exhausting and the results were disappointing.

for someone who never takes advice for granted, who always needs to prove it for herself; for someone who has always found a way to skirt the rules, these past few months have been humbling, to say the least. and it's not as though i have not been humbled before; my adult life has been generously peppered with humbling experiences. but these most recent experiences are different. i'm reaching a point where my efforts to avoid and effect are becoming far too taxing, and i'm starting to wonder what would happen if i just let things happen. if i just took opportunities instead of feeling that i had to create them first in order for them to be worthwhile. what if i'm seriously impeding the flow of my life by keeping myself wedged between two rocks, waiting for the ideal time to start paddling upstream again? i certainly would travel to more places, faster and with more thrills if i just unwedged myself, threw my oars into the water and went with the current. sure, i might crash, and i might have to spend some time in passive waters that would galvanize my impatience, but couldn't i just, then, reach out my hands and paddle forward? couldn't i find something, at that stage, to help move me along, like a big stick or some willow branches braided together? and if i couldn't, would it not be a time when i most likely needed to remember how to just...sit and be?

more tomorrow.