clarity is coming again. it seems to follow suit: frustration, confusion, restlessness, an impulsive leap and loud splash, silent sinking, then awakening, paddling slowly though the waters, riding the waves and relaxing as my body tumbles across rocks...then this, a sandy patch to pull off in, dry off a bit...and breathe. i look back at the waters i had been navigating, grateful for the faithful movements i made from where i was, and then look ahead at the uncertain twists and turns that i must face. i know now that it's best to lasso one of the distant stars that starts twinkling as light fades on my sandy resting spot. i'll hitch myself to it for direction, but leave enough slack in the rope to allow for great movements off the path that leads there. breathing in. and out. remembering not to judge the lack of certainty but to celebrate the power of faith. continuing the surrender. keeping alive the faith.

edging up against fears and wanting to face them, rid myself of them. or simply accept that i have them. and then seek out that which can ease them or comfort me in the face of them. no denial. acceptance. but moving through and beyond. no longer hesitating as a lifestyle.

what i seek deeply is support. witnesses. deep knowing. and i've always thought that would come in the form of one person. but after 32 years and numerous attempts at trying to get circumstances to fit that mold, i see the need to reassess. perhaps i need to learn to acknowledge the multiplicity of people and things that offer to meet those needs and accept those offers. fear keeps me from saying yes. as does stubbornness. but fear and inflexibility have no place in the life of a flowing spirit...

i wish to let go, breathe in and ride...filling up with the love that is being offered and exhaling out disappointments over unmet expectations...clearing room for new, positive vibrations...