you can't have a future if your past is your present.

when i reflect on that statement, i don't feel any pangs of guilt. perhaps i fool myself about certain things, but being rooted in the present is not one of them; i feel that i truly am. and with a present not littered with artifacts from my past, i have a present that is open and resilient, but quite disparate from my past. in the ten years that i've lived in california, i have had at least six different lives...mainly different in the ways i've spent my time, who i've spent it with and how i've presented myself to the world. before coming here, i had maybe one or two lives, but this rapid fire change didn't really start until i began hiking the calligraphic redwood trails of northern california and riding my bicycle late at night down through the rhythmic streets of this  beat city. the vibrations in this place were dissonant enough with the frequencies i was pumping that tiny bits of chaos were persistently created. however, now, as i'm reaching a greater resonance with this city and this place and myself, i am able to look back at this undulation that has been characterizing my life...and i wonder.

i wonder how this penchant for fluidity has effected my relationships with other people. i lament frequently my lack of stable partner, but upon self-examination, i have found that i am forever littering conversations with non-committal and vague speech so as to keep all possibilities within reach. while i have a history, personally, that has shown that i am a loyal and commitment-positive person who gives unduly amounts of love and attention to a partner, in the last couple of years, i've become increasingly skittish about sinking my teeth into any one person. it likely stems from fear or self-consciousness, but i also believe that part of it must just be a natural protection mechanism, keeping me safe and just far enough out of reach until i am ready to emerge from the chrysalis of singledom and into the beautiful dance of true partnership. in any case, i feel myself tapping at the hard cocoon walls with more vitality these days and see signs all around that something that will electrify my heart is at hand...coffee stains and broken leaves and crumpled trash and paint splotches and twisted vines...all in the shapes of hearts. i see them everywhere. to help along the process, i'm trying to communicate more clearly; asking myself before speaking what my intention truly is and trying to convey that rather than just sprinkling out glittery words that can catch the light of meaning in any number of ways. vocalizing with more certainty and less fear.

   

(more to come)