monday morning. and i'm tired. i'll reminisce. this weekend started off poor, but ended up rather amusing. i spent time with friends, downed some beers, ate some herbaceous cookies and rode around oakland on my bike quite a bit. i enjoy the simplicity of weekends like this, but at the same time, i feel that i'm getting too big for my britches living this kind of life. i see it in aaron's eyes, too, the need to advance...but i am not certain that we'll both take the same route of moving on. i'd like to think about moving ahead with him, but i have my doubts as to how realistic that is. we've always been more in love with what we could be than what we truly are. but in any case i will always cherish these times. but i'm more than ready for the next adventure.

*

as an aside, i made the most delicious vegan french toast this weekend...rice milk, cornstarch, garbanzo flour and italian bread. mm-mm-mMM!! topped with caramelized banana slices and fresh strawberries. dee-licious, yet again.

*later that day*

currently proofing some vegan sweet dough to make red bean buns. my apartment smells of yeast...that pungent, doughy smell full of promise...delightful.

*

tonight the winds of change unexpectedly started gusting again...i'd felt their breeze for months, maybe years...but they just gained a whole lot of strength. i found out that aaron may leave to teach english in china for a year in a few months. i know that an international experience would be an amazing step for him; he has longed for such an adventure for as long as i've known him. i always tried to get him to take that journey with me, but there was always a reason not to: work, school, lack of money, etc. but now, he's free, and he should go! i've been planning to move out of this tiny apartment, but now i'm worried that with my foundation crumbling in a pretty significant way, i will not be able to gather the energy to sink my teeth in deeper out here when i may just want to start fresh somewhere else, somewhere without all the memories.

*

i know that i will create a new life here or somewhere else without him...it will be difficult at the outset, but i will do it. my gut has long told me that i should do that anyhow, and i look forward to it, really. in the end, i just want him to love life. regardless of whatever happens, he will always occupy a place in my mind and hold a piece of my heart. i know that he needs to experience more than this 40-mile radius of work and play that he has occupied for so long...he needs to experience the world. maybe we'll cross paths again, but even if we don't, i know i'll be okay; i've got my own amazing journey ahead.