Less than one week now until Aaron leaves for China...I know the change is coming, but it hasn't really set in yet. I'll deal with the emotions when they come...I think I've cried enough about it at this point, but I'm sure I'll cry some more. Even though our time together has been a bit of a rollercoaster, it's still really hard to deal with because he has been a big part of my life for a long time. I imagine we'll still talk initially...but my gut tells me that this is the real end of our connection. He expects his character to fundamentally change during this experience, and for him, that means that most of what once was meaningful and important to him no longer will be. I can't say that I understand this feeling, but I have to accept it. It's hard to not just want to up and go somewhere new now because I still want and need to explore, too, and I always will because that is who I am...but I find so much of interest right here in my backyard. I'm happy here, and I'm going to stay. It's not time for me to leave. There are reasons to stay...even if I don't quite know what they all are yet. Aaron has to answer to his wanderlust...to introspect is integral for him, I know this. I am just grateful for the good memories that I'll hold forever in my heart.

*

In retrospect, I see that the past five years have either served to numb me emotionally or to mature me emotionally; sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. But I've finally learned that the emotions will come, but they will also go, so the best thing for me is to just keep busy and surround myself with good company. I'm still volunteering with Center for Urban Education about Sustainable Agriculture in San Francisco; but now also with the Berkeley Farmer's Markets and last weekend I did a random act of volunteering and helped bottle 2005 Chardonnay from A Donkey and Goat winery in Berkeley. I'm avidly reading food literature...this year I've already read Michael Pollan's Botany of Desire and The Omnivore's Dilemma; I've read Organic, Inc. and books on apples and hard cider; right now it's Wendell Berry's Nathan Coulter...I've been shopping at a lot of markets and this week on the menu is bruschetta with the leftover tomatoes from Tuesday's tasting as well as strawberry bread made from berries that Aaron and I picked at Swanton Berry Farm (right off Hwy 1 on the Pacific) earlier this week. I've also got plans to grill up some zucchini...eat lots of Dapple Dandy pluots...and generally enjoy myself gustatorally for the next few days. Petey generously brought back a bottle of authentic Italian Marsala for me when she went home to Sicily earlier this month, so this weekend the girls and I are going to have a Marsala Dinner and I plan to make a spectacular dessert featuring the gift. Noelle and I have been taking full advantage of the fact that she's toiling away in the Napa Vineyards and we've gone wine tasting for absolutely free for a couple of weekends; so far we've visited Merryvale, St. Supery, Thomas Martiani, and Provenance...and we've eaten at Wappo in Calistoga and at the Tra Vigne Pizzeteria in St. Helena. I'm a housesitting madwoman this summer, too, and I've gotten and will get to spend some time up at the Richmond Hills house with the four kitties and the view of Wildcat Canyon and also out in Bernal Heights at the most spirited house I know.

*

I'm quite excited for the connections I've made since I came up here to Oakland. I'm living quite an international life despite being in an American city. People from all over the globe congregate here and make Oakland a melting pot of cultures. Both this city and this lifestyle have been transformational for me. I feel, right now, like my life is very rich. And I want it never to be any other way. I find that steering off the grid allows for a lot more depth and color...and I plan to keep on straying.