the windchimes clink against the window as wind rushes into my apartment, billowing the curtains out, and then in. *clink. chime. jingle. whoosh.* rain pouring outside. car horns blowing on the street below. gutters overflowing onto the cement...

inside my little box, warm candles glow. the scent of freshly baked molasses spice cookies hangs in the air. the eucalyptus bath bubbles that were overflowing the tub an hour ago have left a lingering calm. the necklace of white christmas lights hangs over my windows, reassuring, inspiring, reminding.

a wonderful day today. after three weeks of being sick, i finally called in sick. and i really did rest. baked some cookies, made some gifts, looked up graduate programs, did some yoga, took a bath, ate ice cream.  a mini retreat. here in oakland.

 

i also talked with my dear friend; a friend who i chanced to meet years ago...a friend whom i 'd like to think i have a bright future of fun adventures ahead with. she shares my birthday and thus my aquarian impossibility, and i always so enjoy talking with her. feeling her fire and sensing her defiant striving for truth and goodness and creativity inspires me to keep the same in me alive. needless to say, someday i sure do hope to be working in a kitchen with her in a small mountain town that supports real food...and that has a few eligible scruffy bachelors with kind hearts.

tonight i feel better. i feel hope flickering more strongly than it has been...eager to grow into a strong and warm fire. i just need to keep feeding it affirming whispers, passages from rumi poems, genuine laughter of true friends, visions borne from great attentiveness...and time. it will grow...

this friday night, i am so utterly satisfied to be sitting alone in my apartment. tonight, i need to be alone. to quote nomi: 'there's an office in my head with a million open filing cabinets; papers are flying around and around and i don't know my habits...' and...i just...need to file some things away, pull some things out...reconsider what i want on the desk in front of me right now; what i need to pay the most attention.

i'm determined more now than ever before to resist the urge to make sense of things that will never make sense...and to instead use my frustrated energy to manifest something true and real...

i am closing my eyes, battening down the hatches, drawing in. i thought that giving out more love, more energy would be the answer. but i'm not enlightened enough yet to not expect returns on that giving. and those returns haven't been coming in, leaving me more disappointed than before i started the whole process of trying to make well enough...better.

i guess sometimes you just have to take a hit and admit that you've fallen down and are having a hard time getting up. i'm there. and i've always had such a strong hope in times like this, and i still do...but as i get older, that optimism is waning ever so slightly in strength.

i've been knowing for some time that i had patterns to break. and i thought i was breaking them. but it turns out, they're still faintly visible in the fabric of my life that i'm currently weaving: working at a place where i see no room for growth, letting emotions overwhelm me, falling in love with people who are incapable of loving me back in the way that i need...i want nothing more than to stop these patterns. but the wanting is not enough, i know that i have to do it. and i've been trying so hard. but maybe it's not the strength of my effort but the the direction of it. i wish i remembered enough physics to draw an analogy there.

breathe in. breathe out.

i am so fortunate. have so many wonderful people in my life. am a healthy person with opportunities to go in just about whichever direction i please. i have to keep that in the forefront. gratitude. and right behind that, i'm keeping my intentions...to heal my heart by bringing more stable and loving people into my life, to challenge myself professionally by really pushing forward and out of poorly-managed, mid-level positions that don't capitalize on my strengths....and more. for now, those are paramount. 

love, health, creative growth, confident strength, engagement, opennness, movement. 

my seven-fold mantra..

i'm doing 'the artists way' process, albeit slowly. trying to release whatever constraints are on the creative beast that's pumping within me. in chapter two, it mentions how pain focuses us. brings our attention to the now. and how paying attention...is the key to healing. 

i am finding that so true these days. the past is too painful and bittersweet to remember right now, and the rug has been pulled out from many of the dreams i'd delicately placed for the future...so, all i have is what's right here before me. i'm standing calm amidst the aftermath of a storm. looking around at what pieces i even want to pick up and put back into place. some things...some things i just want to sweep away and never see again...

so my aspirations to start a new blog got blown under the rug this summer during the tornado-like apex of my saturn's return wherein my relationship was in turmoil, dissatisfaction with my job was intense and escapist desires were preoccupying my days.

so in what seems to be characteristic fashion for me, i'm welcoming back the familiar (same blog home just as i occupy the same city and same apartment), but the anecdotic company i offer now is just a little...different.

i enjoy reading posts from years ago...when i was new to oakland and new to city life...when i was hungry for experience and wanted to get tougher and wiser...when i was without community but knew, intuitively, that i'd someday have one...the perspective reminds me of growth i've made over the past eight years, and it's a testament to the fact that some things ...the really big changes like coming into our own...take time and struggle; we pay in pain, joy, disappointment, excitement, frustration, inspiration...

i feel on the brink of yet another big discovery...this one having to do with transience...perhaps really being able to accept that it is part of life to let go over and over again. which, if i can accept and really take to heart, will inform how i live my life...in that...i'll want to appreciate moments more...i'll expect less...and i'll feel more grounded in myself because although i am versatile, too...i am the most stable thing that i have. this puts the whole question of relationships up in the air...i have been striving for the security of a community and a partner, but if those can up and disappear at any time, how do i invest? how do i want to interact? an easy answer would be to close off, only offer part of myself, but i think i'd like to risk it.  let people in knowing they will have to go. really open up and be part of the ebb and flow...like water...flowing over, under, around, alongside...i think i'm finally strong enough.

i'd like to close the calendar year by offering gratitude. first, for my health. since septemeber, i have felt physically better than i have in a very long time...and i am so grateful for that. having struggled for years with a touchy gut, it has been amazing to be able to focus my energies elsewhere as it behaves...that has probably been one of the best things about this past year. i am also thankful for my wonderful family...we've gone through some growing pains this year, but with humor and unconditional love, we have seen those tough times through, and i feel blessed to be connected with them all. my current community...is wonderful. i have made some amazing friends this year and have deepened exisiting relationships. these people challenge me and support me and share with me and listen to me...and they have been instrumental in my spiritual growth. from walks around lake merritt to soup and salad dinners in my tiny apartment to early morning and late night conversations under the covers to drinks at wine bars to heartfelt snail mail packages to eloquent email exchanges and long phone conversations...in their presence and absence, these people have been so integral to me. thank you.

in years past, i would have said i don't know what the upcoming year holds. and to a degree, i don't. but i have some intentions for my days ahead...and i'm writing them down on a little piece of notebook paper, folding it up and taping it to the top of my west-facing window...manifest :)

here in my gardens, tiny, green sprouts are determinedly pushing their way up through the rich, dark soil; today's rains replenished their spirits, no doubt...
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the sugar snap peas, always quick out of the starting blocks, have started affectionately winding their delicate vines around the skinny bamboo sticks i placed in the ground to support them...
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the creamsicle nasturtiums stand proud an inch or so above ground, their flat and variegated leaves tipped nonchalantly at various angles to the sun...
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itty bitty buds are opening on the lemon verbena, releasing a light citrus perfume...
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the easter egg radishes have plumped and now their crowns of pink and violet are visible just above the soil line, enticing we gardeners to pull...
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the spinach holds raindrops in its dark green cupped leaves...
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the onions, like seasoned dancers, stretch their long and poised leaves toward the sky...
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the violas, whose flowers i picked last week to adorn a fresh carrot cake, (see below) have returned, their periwinkle and deep violet petals blowing delicately in the rain...

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the hope, the determination of life...so visible, so tangible...mark twain once said, "it's spring fever.... you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!"

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like the tiny pea tendrils, we stretch our arms up and out, hoping to grasp something we can hang onto, if only for a short while, that will support us as we venture from the comforts we've established...to some place fresh, some place different, some place we cannot describe, but know innately we need to head towards...

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as a young child, i remember 'spring cleaning' in our house...my memories are undeniably intervwoven with written accounts of others' experiences i've since come across...but in my mind, i see windows creaking open, cool and fresh air rushing in, pushing out the stillness of winter; i see rugs being lifted from wooden floors and being beaten on the porch, settlements of the cold months drifting off into the warm rays of sunlight...i remember, at the days' end, the smell rain in the air and the feeling of impending thunderstorms...the expectation of great puddles into which i could jump...

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a more recently developed memory is that of true spring food: i hear asparagus being snapped at the roots and i taste the sweet juices that come from crunching into fresh pea pods; i see the familiar green, plastic baskets carrying ruby jewels that i bite slowly, deliberately, savoring them after a winter without such luxuries...

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spring is here, spring has arrived. the rains, the promises, the sense of urgency to venture into the unknown...and i welcome it, with open arms...accepting and expecting of storms, growth, and delicious experiences of simplicity...

I have lived as a garden rose,
It is the only life I’ve known.
I’ve felt the touch of tending hands,
I get my rain from a watering can.

Now from the time I was a seed,
I have had everything I need.
And I grew strong and I grew tall,
Until the day I saw past the garden wall.

Now tell me something little wildflower,
Can’t you make some room for me?
'Cause I will climb out of this garden,
And put my feet down in the weeds.

I always thought that my life was enough,
Till I saw your face so brilliant and so rough.
You were shining right back up at the whole sky,
Handing out smiles, to travelers passing by.

Now tell me something little wildflower,
Can’t you make some room for me?
'Cause I will climb out of this garden,
And put my feet down in the weeds.

And if an acorn becomes an oak tree,
Caterpillar makes a butterfly.
Oh, then tell me one good reason,
A rose should not become a weed, by and by.

'Cause don’t the sunshine lay the brightest,
On the shoulders of the wild?
And don’t the breeze lay the sweetest,
On the face of its own child?

And tell me something, little wildflower,
Have you made some room for me?
'Cause I will leave this wall forever,
A little wildflower I will be.
Hey, a little wildflower I will be.
Two little wildflowers we will be.

-kris delmhorst