so my aspirations to start a new blog got blown under the rug this summer during the tornado-like apex of my saturn's return wherein my relationship was in turmoil, dissatisfaction with my job was intense and escapist desires were preoccupying my days.

so in what seems to be characteristic fashion for me, i'm welcoming back the familiar (same blog home just as i occupy the same city and same apartment), but the anecdotic company i offer now is just a little...different.

i enjoy reading posts from years ago...when i was new to oakland and new to city life...when i was hungry for experience and wanted to get tougher and wiser...when i was without community but knew, intuitively, that i'd someday have one...the perspective reminds me of growth i've made over the past eight years, and it's a testament to the fact that some things ...the really big changes like coming into our own...take time and struggle; we pay in pain, joy, disappointment, excitement, frustration, inspiration...

i feel on the brink of yet another big discovery...this one having to do with transience...perhaps really being able to accept that it is part of life to let go over and over again. which, if i can accept and really take to heart, will inform how i live my life...in that...i'll want to appreciate moments more...i'll expect less...and i'll feel more grounded in myself because although i am versatile, too...i am the most stable thing that i have. this puts the whole question of relationships up in the air...i have been striving for the security of a community and a partner, but if those can up and disappear at any time, how do i invest? how do i want to interact? an easy answer would be to close off, only offer part of myself, but i think i'd like to risk it.  let people in knowing they will have to go. really open up and be part of the ebb and flow...like water...flowing over, under, around, alongside...i think i'm finally strong enough.

i'd like to close the calendar year by offering gratitude. first, for my health. since septemeber, i have felt physically better than i have in a very long time...and i am so grateful for that. having struggled for years with a touchy gut, it has been amazing to be able to focus my energies elsewhere as it behaves...that has probably been one of the best things about this past year. i am also thankful for my wonderful family...we've gone through some growing pains this year, but with humor and unconditional love, we have seen those tough times through, and i feel blessed to be connected with them all. my current community...is wonderful. i have made some amazing friends this year and have deepened exisiting relationships. these people challenge me and support me and share with me and listen to me...and they have been instrumental in my spiritual growth. from walks around lake merritt to soup and salad dinners in my tiny apartment to early morning and late night conversations under the covers to drinks at wine bars to heartfelt snail mail packages to eloquent email exchanges and long phone conversations...in their presence and absence, these people have been so integral to me. thank you.

in years past, i would have said i don't know what the upcoming year holds. and to a degree, i don't. but i have some intentions for my days ahead...and i'm writing them down on a little piece of notebook paper, folding it up and taping it to the top of my west-facing window...manifest :)