i just got off the phone with my dear friend kristopher and we had a very important discussion about the evil internet. i told him that i'd just cut myself off from the grips of myspace; i found myself spending too much valuable time investigating non-essential information and i've got quite a lot of essential work to be doing with myself these days. he then made a quip about blogs, to which i immediately became defensive - "what's wrong with blogs?" he explained his thought that they're pretty much the same thing as myspace - an unnecessary and quite self-involved exposure of oneself; he also told me that he feels like a voyeur when he reads my blog. i've heard both those comments many times before, and it saddens me.

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so, i thought this would be a wise time to clarify my intentions in having a blog. in no way, reader, do i want you to feel voyeuristic. i write only what i want to be read; these words, for me, are integral medium of expression.

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i have always been a writer, anyhow. i have stacks and stacks of journals in illinois and in oakland, the earliest of which i started before i could even hold a pencil with confidence; little pieces of paper with phrases scrawled on them stuck in-between their pages; napkins from restaurants across the country with observations penned on them tucked behind the journal covers. i really can't help myself. some people draw, some paint, some sing or play instruments; i write. to express, to communicate, to expose.

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i once asked a dear older friend what marriage meant to him; he told me, simply: "having a witness to one's life." that touched my heart. implicit, to me, in those few words was the desire to share, the willingness to be seen for who one is, the comfort of companionship, but also the concurrent pursuance of one's own path through life.

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this blog, in these past few years, has served as my witness. i grew up in a very close family; my parents were more like best friends than authoritarians, my brother was a much-appreciated source of insight and motivation, and my extended family was always hugely supportive at a moment's notice; along with my old friends, i had witnesses. when i came out to california, though, everything changed. my support network was all still there at the other end of the phone, but they weren't here. my new life moved so quickly; i was having life-changing and eye-opening experiences and i longed to share them, intimately, but i had very few people out here to share anything with for some time.

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i started writing this blog, albeit sporadically, because i wanted to share. although i would have liked express my voice through lyrics or poetic verse or in published text or behind a lecturne in front of a politically charged audience (and still would), i wasn't quite ready for that (and still am not) because my thoughts were (and are) like the gluten strands in a bread dough - being created and strengthened to the point of being able to endure a certain amount of stress and expansion without breaking. this blog was a place to start where i could be transparent about what was on my mind in a well-thought-out and demure way, period. a place to be heard while i was still gathering up the courage to speak to a larger audience.

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in no way do i think that my thoughts or feelings are unique or pioneering. i sporadically get feedback about the blog, and that means so much to me. as many of us do, i seek to be understood; and i seek to understand others, but i admittedly can be hard to get to know well. i've got loads of thoughts that are hard for me to express on the fly in casual conversation, and this blog provides a forum for me to express these thoughts more fully and gracefully than i normally can.

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most importantly, though, my family really likes reading about what i'm doing since i'm so bad about calling regularly on the phone. writing this saves me a lot of phone time and prevents diluting stories by telling them over and over again. i write it once, i say it like i mean it, and that's that! i don't have to call home for months (wink).

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anyways, it's back to business tomorrow. i'm heading to hoopa in the morning and i plan to get there in time to share some vino with my friends as the sun sets over the herb garden. i'm leaving oakland with a lot fluttering around in my mind, and i'm not sure when (or if) i can expect it all to settle down. i intended for this post to explore how it felt to be back in the city after over a month on the farm, but i'm too tired to continue typing...i'll write more this weekend :)